Sturdy Oak

 Today was a good day.  Better than most of the days these past long and often desperate months. Nothing too much has changed on the outside but something shifted. I am sure things will shift again, as they do, but wanting to mark this moment. 

I feel empowered again. 

I can be a sturdy oak even when big anxious uncertain and overwhelmed emotions are being thrown at me. 

Maybe it's all the meditation I am doing. Not a ton but consistent 10 minutes a day. Maybe it's the cbd gummies at night. Maybe it's all the journaling, the therapy, and exercise. 

I felt something hopeful and solid under my foot today.

Maybe it was the 30 minute sweaty Peloton ride. 

Maybe it is the home teacher who came for a second time tonight. We are not entirely alone. 

Maybe it was driving with my son to school to practice. His anxiety was there. He felt light headed and a little panicky but I was able to talk to him about that from a place that felt skillful and empowered.  Maybe it was the book I read on how to help your kid manage his anxiety. 

We talked about mantras and breathing. 

Somehow it just feels like we know what we are dealing with now.  We have a loose plan and we will keep challenging him to face his fears and worries. 

Oh, there will still be the hard days.  I am just finally buttoning the hatch a bit on my own anxiety which mixes with normal mama bear fears and worries to create so much distress. 

I am learning that I can actually regulate myself too. 

When I feel triggered I can notice, pause, and take a break if I need to so my activation does not need to join his already overwhelmed state. 

Since the stakes feel so high - for the first time I felt really on the knife's edge of anxiety - I am really learning to not chase worry.  I can feel her close by in the morning but I really can control how much I want to open the door for her. 

So much learning and growth and at the end of the day you will do anything for your kid. I am proud of all I have done to show up for him and also finding grace for all the ways I was all too human and imperfect in this journey. 

Sturdy Oak is my new mantra. I could say it before but now I have earned it - I feel it.