Gratitude

 Gratitude when felt buoys the soul.  It lifts one ever so slightly out of darkness. I am still in such a place of struggle with my son. Sometimes I can't remember what is right or glad. So here is a list from recent time:

- My son shared really hard feelings and thoughts he is having - which honestly is huge huge for him and something I wanted for so long.  My first instinct is always to try and fix and talk him out of his thoughts. Instead I landed in validation: "That sounds really hard." That's all I said and I meant it. We paused there for a minute and then he said, "Thanks mom for listening. I love you." He then bounded down the hall.  True story. 

- On Friday I went over to a neighbor friend's with a bottle of wine and my bathing suit. The ease of this and her open heart - always there and offering support. We sipped glasses of warming wine and then another neighbor stopped by. Soon we were deep in conversation about our struggling kids and then other struggling relationships. The talk was real and there were tears and it felt painful but alive - not alone.

- We did a cold plunge followed by more steamy hot water. 

- In the morning I went on a walk with Holly on the ridge.  Electrifying orange poppies swung in the breeze. The grasses were green and there were slips of mud and pockets of water on the trail. We could have been in Ireland. Then there was a mist and a light rain. 

- I had much of the weekend to myself - the boys were in Tahoe and Avery had a sleep over. I cleaned and read and binge watched a really good show. I ate ice cream and drank a few really good IPAs.  Not the best self care in the world but I am overdosing on all of the good self care - meditation, exercise, journaling. Once in a while it is okay. 

None of it is enough to keep the worry fully at bay but this is where things are at right now. Pockets of okay that I must remember when things start to seem bleak again.