One the eve of back to school

 Two whole weeks off from work and school. I started "break" with so much anxiety. I would wake up in the morning with a stomach full of nerves and racing catastrophic thoughts. And then Christmas and no schedule and kids home. 

My son went skiing. He came home angry that we removed social media from his home - something I was so so anxious about.  I mean white hot anxious. 

Interesting to observe. 

This rolled through.. He was angry for about two days, just as long as the social worker I spoke with said it would take. They sky did not fall.

It started to open up actually. I went on a walk with a neighbor friend who stared me straight in the face and suggested therapy. She texted the name of the woman she sees. 

Later that day I sat in the car and left a message with this woman while I cried. 

I saw her two days later and she is wonderful. 

I shopped for Christmas dinner, I wrapped gifts, and just started to enjoy the simple moments of family at home. I sat down and committed to my Mixtiles project and pressed send. 

The kids started playing more than they had in a really long time.  Video games together, but still.  There were also board games. 

We all decided to go to Tahoe on Christmas day in the evening.  The snow and the fresh mountain air was sharp and beautiful. 

We walked in the woods, played games, and enjoyed some family time. 

Now, on the eve before school it is really hard again. There are schedules and boundaries and really nothing left for me to do. This is his journey. It's mine too. Self-care and monitoring my own anxious responses to his anxiety. 

I will get bagels in the morning. I will do my yoga. I will leave at 8:05 regardless of whether he make it. 

My daughter and neighbor kids need to get to school. 

If he can't make it out the door it is just more information. More information pointing to the fact that he needs help. It is thus not better or worse if he makes it to school or not - it's just our reality right now. Although, admittedly there is part of me so deeply attached to him making it.  And, I am nervous and anxious on this eve before school. Anxious and nervous but also clear eyed. Time will tell and we will continue to live the questions.