Anxiety

 Anxiety for my thirteen year old who is struggling and is resistant to talking about it. I wake up tight chested that he won't get out of bed to start school, a new trimester. 

I am learning to keep my anxiety at bay in the morning. Do not let it get so wound up with him and each of his movements all morning.  I can't believe how stressed I can feel. 

This can't be helpful. 

I wake him up.

I do a core workout.

I make him toast.

I watch the clock and feel my anxiety rising.

He eats his breakfast. I hear the shower running.

Our neighbor is due to arrive 7:50-7:55. 

I decide to do a ten minute arms workout. 

His door shuts.

I imagine going in to find him lying back in bed.

My anxiety clenches as I lift my arms up and down.

He leaves his room, dressed.

He is back in the bathroom. 

I scroll Instagram in our front window, waiting.

I imagine the morning we will have if he doesn't leave and my neighbor goes on ahead.

She is here. He grabs his backpack and I can tell he is close to tears but he opens the door and is out.

Relief isn't quite the word. 

I can't be this anxious. It doesn't help him and doesn't change his situation. 

It is his journey. 

I just don't even know what journey it is.

Breathe.